legally single

Getting the call that I am officially divorced doesn’t feel as big as I thought it would be. I feel relieved more than anything, and it didn't even cause a disruption in my day. Just the feeling that the biggest thing in my life is over and now I can fully live the life I have been wishing for since before I even understood what it would take to live that life.

When I got married I altered the life plan to fit the needs of my ex husband. My role as a wife was to run the house, the babies, and to be subservient in public. It was something I was never fully comfortable with which only furthered the arguments between the two of us as we could never agree on how to live a married life. We were constantly disagreeing with what the other thought married life should be, and eventually I was so exhausted to the point where I felt that I shouldn’t have to argue so much about what my life should look like with someone who despite spending so much time with, never fully knew who I was. I had spent so much time trying to fit into his life I couldn’t really blame him for not knowing me fully when I didn't know who I was either.

I needed my life to have some resemblance to the life I had lived before in order to heal, so when I left my marriage I went to the one place I had always felt safe in, my parents. Since moving back to my hometown, I have felt myself slowly become a newer version of who I used to be before I got married. Going back to school was something I had already started the process before I left my marriage, but it was the thing that helped heal me better than any other coping mechanism I would have guessed would help me during the divorce process. Being back in school allowed me to hyper focus on the deadlines of academia, a way to escape the whirlpools of emotions and events that came after leaving my ex. School was always something I knew I could immerse myself in and feel comfortable despite being away from it for so long, it was like returning to your bed after being away for so long. Through the deadline and exam anxiety, I slowly felt pieces of myself thawing out from being exposed to a big part of my personality before marrying.

I am eternally grateful for my lawyer who helped carry most of the weight of the divorce process, and I was able to take off one mental load and pass it to her so I could focus on school. because a lot of the process is waiting, unless I was needed to sign papers, or appear in court, most of the process didn't require my full energy the entire time. words cannot describe how thankful I am that i was able to have a lawyer and have someone to walk me through the whole process when I was terrified of the possibility of a long, drawn out divorce. Having someone carry the burden of all the paperwork, and eventually communication, was the only reason I have made it out of this divorce sane.

I'm most thankful for my immediate family, for always supporting me, though the hasty marriage and the rocky separation and divorce. Even though I hid from most everyone, I knew I would always be safe around my family, which led to me eventually only going out in public if I had a member of my family with me.

Now that I'm officially divorced, I feel weightless. The holds I had placed on my personality and plans are now free, and the next chapter of my life is beginning. being divorced is something I never expected to be, and I still am reeling from the emotions of failure I get every once and while, but it feels different than I had expected. I know that for the most part it doesn’t really impact my life, and it doesn’t change the past. being married was an experience that really shaped who I am today. Even though it was a traumatic experience, the optimist in me cant fully accept the negative emotions revolving my marriage. My marriage taught me so much about what being an adult is like, and I learned so much through the years we were together. It taught me about what love should and shouldn't be, and how I need to be loved in a future relationship. While I'm not entirely sure whether or not I will pursue finding a new partner, I am so thankful that I can finally call myself divorced.