"new" beginnings

As we reach the beginning of a new year, I am forced by societal standards to reflect on the year that has passed. For me, January first is only one of the indications of a new yearly cycle. I actually have many moments throughout the year that I consider to be the “start” of a new chapter of my life, each with just as much meaning as the one before and the one after it.

So by normal people standards, here is a year in the life:

January: the first month of 2022 was my return to academia. looking back I was actually so stressed out getting used to the eight week timeline, the return itself felt like a continuation I had been completing for years. studying and essay deadlines gave me some of the missing pieces I had needed to help become the person I had once been.

February: the second month of the year was exceptionally rough, and I really struggled with my mental health this month. So much that I honestly hardly remember much as my main coping mechanism to get through hard times is to resort to auto pilot.

March: the beginning of spring brought forth acceptance that the co parenting relationship I had clung onto for almost a year would not be physically possible within the timeline I had originally hoped.

April-July: I was able to rest and allow time to appreciate the things I often forget to acknowledge. It allowed for the sting of acceptance in march to be eased slowly as the months progressed. The summer months were full of swimming, laughter, and lots of naps. The break from school was also necessary, even though I had intended to continue with summer classes. The return back had taken much more energy than I had anticipated, so allowing my brain to rot just a bit more before a new semester was embraced. this was also to help my son get some attention he had been lacking since I sharing the time and energy that would have usually been devoted to him on something he had no background to judge.

August: the second phase of returning to academia was much smoother and with less breakdowns and depressive stages, as well as beginning the semester with a better GPA than the previous semester!

September: due to the current divorce situation, I was not able to spend my birthday in the way I wanted. This was the month where I accepted that my ex was far beyond the reach of help and allowed me to singe the frayed cords of empathy I had. But to be fair the empathy is still there, it just manages to disappear as soon as we begin a conversation, but that’s another conversation for another day.

October: good god was October fucking awful. Not only did I celebrate a four year marriage anniversary alone, I also got to suffer with deadlines on top of it. I know a piece of me still wishes I could make things work with my marriage, but the overwhelming fact is that I cant be with someone who is so easily swayed by the whispers of others, when they preached the disapproval of me doing anything similar. The versions of myself were arguing between knowing things could have worked if other people hadn’t interfered, and knowing the partner who was so forceful in insisting we only rely on each other was so easily convinced that false truths were reality.

November: honestly making your anniversaries in two simultaneous months is awful if you ever plan on breaking up. However the eleventh month brought forth the knowledge that brings me to today (the fourth of December).

I ended my marriage in the middle of last year. It was so abrupt that it may as well be a clear cut between the year. That allowed for me to go through each of the stages of grief, before having to go through what I personally consider the hardest of all the stages.

A year full of so many events, so many different themes blatantly thrown at me by the universe, one stands out the most. Acceptance.