ramblings

so I always get caught up in thinking I have to have these perfect pieces of writing every single time I write something, and with my blog obviously I want to sound intelligent, and of a sound state of mind. but a blog is also meant to be personal so here goes.

I have realized a lot about myself over the years, and as we reach March, I always find myself reminiscing on my life. march 2019 was when my son was born, and a lot had happened over the years from the months of December to March. They are jam packed full of memories. after I turned eighteen, I felt like it was my responsibility to document my life, because admittedly my memory was already pretty bad, after having my son it worsened, and instead of writing I kept taking pictures. and while I'm not even in most of them they have helped me keep track of my life over the years, the events that took place. the people I saw, the places we visited. everything was accounted for.

after I got pregnant is when the pictures began. after I moved back to scottsdale is when the writing began again. The hardest thing I had to come to terms with after moving back was privacy. I didn't really understand how badly I had needed it, and how much I had missed it. and still even as much as I valued my privacy, over the months I realized that I had missed the feeling of being near someone. personally it took a lot longer than i'd like to admit that what I realized had been missing from my life was balance, and after a whirlwind of a life. where the years flew by, no concern for anyone in its midst. While I knew I had chosen to live a life that went flying past 'societal' norms and I took every effort and care in the world to make sure I crafted the perfect family image, behind the scenes I was desperately attempting to balance everything all at once.

In the end I couldn't manage all of the responsibilities, especially given that I had no one to share the load with. I can't even really tell you today how I was able to manage so much, for so long, and truthfully I can't remember most of it, and it lead me to the creation of this blog

life is an endless cycle of trying to balance everything thrown at us at once. I feel like I've talked about cycles so much in my writing and that's mainly due to personal experience. Throughout my entire life I have constantly seen cycles, and endless repeated patterns of behavior through the people I met and encountered in my life. I spend a lot of my time feeling out of place because while I have had these cycles of life, I never really felt like I could talk about them with anyone, I never knew how to get the things I needed to get out. Writing became a huge part of my life because it gave me the ability to get things off of my chest and forget about it and move on with my life. and the biggest thing I realized was that the main thing I missed was balance and my half hearted attempts to maintain balance in my life weren't enough for me to be sustainable and functioning.

I feel like this is all stuff I should have learned years ago but I was caught up in living, my parents always used to tell me that I would talk before I thought. and I think that seeped into my actions as well, I never really thought ahead when I was younger. I didn't have a complete down to the minute plan about my future and my plans. I had enough to be determined in what I wanted to achieve and accomplish, I knew well enough how to be a decent person and a semi functioning adult. The rush of life caught me by surprise and I was swept away in all kinds of emotions without fully thinking of any repercussions because I fully believed I had my life fully set and planned at the time. I think that sometimes it's hard to maintain balance. I don't know if we are ever fully meant to gain complete balance in our lives.

I also think that sometimes balance is knowing that you can't be balanced all the time, 'I know that I know nothing' . I used to spend a lot of my time when I was younger thinking about who I would be, and what I was going to do with my life. Part of the reason I didn't want to think ahead was because I was a scared sixteen year old girl. I forced myself to live in the moment because I knew if I lingered too much in the past or the future it would hurt me in some way. I gave up my memories, I gave up my dreams and became the now. until recently I didn't know anything but now. I can look back now because the fears I had were nothing compared to the things I've now lived through. getting that rush of memories after years of ignoring them, picking apart old lessons and seeing them with a new mind, was a way better feeling I ever had than just living in the now.

Truthfully, I don't know if I can ever be just one thing. I like being a new person every few months. I love learning new ideas and picking apart my memories because it helps me feel like I've grown. but I also like being who I am today, and being fully immersed in the feelings I have in the moment, and the memories I create. I don't really know where I meant to go with this writing. I just wanted to share something. Another time of year is approaching where I feel creates another chapter in my life. I think it's important to share the things I learn about my life because hopefully it helps someone else. I don't know how this could really help anyone, especially since it's a rambling of my words but I hope it does, and I know writers aren't supposed to tell you what they want you to get out of their writing, but I hope you know that it's okay to not be balanced. there's never a reason to keep being the person you are. It is okay to start something new.