religious studies

In the last year and a half I have had a million revelations, all about myself. Growing up, finding the words to describe myself, and my feelings, has been a Sisyphean task. There are never enough words to describe the almost explosive inner emotions and dialogue that are constantly running in between the webs of brain. Ice breakers, personal essays, and introductions have always been fabrications of myself and who I am.

I have been pushing off writing mainly because I feel like I sound insane. And I think a lot of it is because I have become more in tune with myself, I understand my body in a way I never have before, and it has somehow forced a spiritual awakening, and a religious exploration. For my entire life I have been obsessed with occult and religion, which is such a wonderful example of the duality I love to embrace within myself and life. I didnt grow up with a religion, I haven’t been involved in any religious rituals that signify ones faith, and my parents encouraged me to choose my own faith. I have been to church, I have been to religious events, and I have been gaining religious knowledge for the entire course of my life, only just recently beginning to take it more seriously. i didnt know what agnosticism was until I was in high school, and for the most part it fits the beliefs that I hold.

When I was growing up I didnt really know that people had an actual relationship with their chosen god, I thought everything about religion was a performative act and that it was only supposed to be during the time in buildings of faith. It wasn’t until I was older that I began to realize what it meant to be a believer in a faith. I grew up knowing that people had a religion, many of my family are Christians, so a lot of my perspective was seeing religion from mainly a Christian point of view, and what I knew about other religions was slim. Most of my knowledge came from books and movies, and I rarely came across movies about religion that piqued interest.

I was glad to grow up without a religion, while my friends and cousins had to wake up early, I got to sleep in. I sat through many church goings, and never cared much for Sunday school when I would have to go after a sleepover. I prayed even though I didnt really believe in it. I was scared of dying, and even though I didnt really believe in Heaven, the thought of hell terrified me enough that it felt real. I never really sat down with anyone and talked about religion.

Religion was the first time I really could make my own decision, it was important to my parents that if I did choose to be religious that I did research, and actually understood what I was getting myself into, and encouraged me to not just pick what my family followed since there are so many different types of religion. Since I was about eight ive probably been in and out of a religious fueled existential crisis, that I mainly avoid by ignoring my spirituality.

As I get older, and get into a deeper sense of spirituality, I find myself desiring something more. I don't feel lost, but I also don't really feel like I have a complete handle on things, so this is just a way to ease my ache until I find whatever it is I'm searching for.